Cranky-D

Okay, maybe it’s too late to say that i didn’t think this asshole was involved with the Jon Benet Ramsey case. Nope, did’nt think so from the beginning. I think he is thoroughly insane and wants to involve himself with the whole thing, but I don’t think he was involved.

Not that I’m convinced that he isn’t involved with any other cases for which he should be shot and buried deep.

In my opionion, anyone who molests a child, or rapes anyone but especially a young woman, should die quickly.

Why?

I had, at one time, a woman friend who described part of her life as being “introduced to sexuality” at 13 years old by an 18 year old. Sounds like rape to me, sounds like someone who should die for what he did. All I knew was one very damaged woman who I couldn’t help, whether it was due to my own damaged state or whatever the problem. I have zero forgiveness towards that man.

I would cheerfully kill that man for what he did. OR, at least, I would live with what I had done. I can do that.

I loved her, with whatever I had of my damaged heart I had to give.

Later, she had a teacher molesed her when whe was 16. I would love to kill him too. I don’t know if she would feel better, but I might. Some things are unforgiveable. Sexual abuse falls along those lines. I would cap both of them and ask forgiveness from Jesus later for what I have done, and if I cannot be forgiven, then I will live apart from G-d for all eternity because I would know I had done what was right.

Yeah, I’ll go out on that limb. In case anyone is reading, I have not fired an gun in years, and the one i have is a 9mm. However, I will be getting a carry permit soonest.

I was reading a piece from one of my favoriate authors recently, and I’ve been ruminating on it for over an hour.

At least an hour. Maybe more like two hours of ruminating and drinking.

I’m very glad I read it at this time.

There are people that I’m angry with/at. Some more than others, but that may be just because I’m a contrary bastard. That will always be true, I imagine. However, just because I have issues with other people does not mean that I should be spreading any hate and angor and discontent.

The thing is, it’s often the case that I still care about the people who have managed to piss me off. And it’s better if I just let the whole thing go and be nice whenever I see them again.

Now, if you know me, you might realize how difficult that is, since I hold on to stuff forever. I have an excellent memory, and I don’t cotten to people who think I ‘m supposed to forgive their transgressions.

On the other hand, the passage goes, “Forgive us, Lord, as we forgive those who tresspass against us.” It doens’t take much interpretation to figure out what that means.

I should take that to heart. That is just a part of the doctrine associated with being a Missourie Sinod Lutheran (I think I mispelled most of that) that I feel is correct. I’m not big on original sin, but I’m big with personal responsibility.

I tend to blame others for my own mistakes. I wish I were better at realizing when the mistakes are all my own, and when I should step back and see the truth.

I dont’ want to spread hate, though I am full of hate. If you were to ask me, I would hope I spread a belief in G-d and His Son Jesus Christ who I think sacrificed Himself for our sins so we could have eternal live. However, I still think that if you live a good life and are kind to others G-d will still see you for the good person you are. In my opinion, Jesus loves you whether or not you even know or love Him.

I’m still not sure if I will get in. I’m not the kind of person I should be. I should not be full of anger. I have much more talent than average. I cannot complain about the gifts I’ve been handed during my lif on Earth. I have Phd in computer science. I have a huge advantage on others. It’s easy for me to do many things that some people find difficult. ANd the fact that I think that I’m such an amazing bastard may very well keep me from the kingdom.

If so, I wouldn’t be surprised. I would be happy just to get standing room in the back row of heaven. I know many people who deserve places much far ahead of me. I know one man, my Uncle, who is a fucking saint. And he has never professed a belief in G-d, but he is one of the most Christian men I have ever met. If he isn’t in heaven and somehow I end up there, G-d and I will have words.

I’m just built that way.

I was just reading a thread at Ace of Spades and I realized what a pussy I’ve been. Well, the truth is I realized it before, but I never felt motivated to write about it in this forum. At least, I don’t think I’ve written about it.

I’ve been that guy. The one who hangs around a woman and hopes things will “improve” at some future date without ever doing anything to bring it about. And that kind of guy is a fucking pussy.

The woman I’m thinking of is one I’ve know for just about 10 years. Or, I should say, I met her about 10 years ago, in the fall of 1996. She was a knockout. She still is. Every straight guy I know who met her commented to me later with some variant of “wow” or “jeezus” or whatever statement conveys utter amazement with her luck in the looks department of the genetic lottery.

Even better, from my standpoint, is that she is very intelligent. At the time I met her, she was going for a Masters in Computer Science, just like I was. She got that eventually, but ultimately she got a PhD in medical physics. Like I said, very intelligent.

Anyway, when I first saw her in the Computer Science office, I knew I had to meet her. So I started a wussy campaign. I emailed her about her website. Eventually I invited her to join our drinking group.

Time passes. I don’t feel like dredging it all up.

I grew to like her more and more, and my infatuation became rather large. I finally came to my senses one night during a concert we attended together (Offspring), and told her after the concert that I couldn’t see her anymore because I wanted more than she did.

That was in 1998, I think. Pretty sure. I was playing the friends game but I wanted more. However, I did value her conversation since it was head and shoulders above what I could get from most of my aquantences. I’m also leaving a lot of stuff out, because frankyly, I don’t think it adds to the story at all. And I’m lazy.

Anyway, we didn’t see each other often, though a mutual “friend” still liked to drag me through the mud over the whole thing. I would cheerfully beat his ass now, but remember, I was a fucking pussy then, so allowances should be made.

In the interim I managed to have a relationship that was bizarre and wonderful and painful and ultimately a very enlightening experience for me. It’s very good to learn your own limitations and how you can overcome them. I’m much better for the whole thing, and if the woman in question ever showed up in town again I would want to see her. She had many very good qualities, and nothing that happened between us has left me angry or bitter or anything like that.

We were both very damaged people. I think and hope I’m better now.

So, this smart and beautiful woman and I started hanging out again. At first, I think I was on an even keel. But eventually, I started sliding back into my old ways. I would always be on the lookout for other women, but she was still the “standard” by which I judged other women. And frankly, that standard is hard to overcome on many levels. I should mention that I am a social retard when it comes to women so the fact that I only dated one woman during that time and she quickly grew to dislike me should not be surprising.

Years pass. We email, and she sometimes showed up at my regular drinking meets at a local bar.

Anyway, while she and I were working on finshing our PhDs, we became regular email buds. I was able to c0-miserate over the whole thing. I was slightly ahead of her with the whole thing. She came to my defence, one of only four students to do so and one of two friends who showed up. She helped to encourage me to finally turn the damn thesis in and get it over with.

The last time I saw her in person was at her defence, in June 2005. After that, the emails dwindled. Finally, that stopped as well. I think she realized that I still carried a torch, and decided to cut the thing off permanently.

For that, I thank her.

I doubt she will ever see this, but if she does, I thank her. I’m better off now. She pretty much told me what was going on during my 40th birthday party two years ago, but I was too stupid to figure it out.

I’ll always remember her, because women like that are very hard to forget. But now she’s a memory, and that may be the best thing for me.

Maybe I’m paranoid. Actually, I know I’m paranoid. I’m pretty sure it’s due more to a huge imagination rather than some kind of pathological condition.

I still think that I would have my job if they really wanted me there. And I think I lost my job, ultimately, for two reasons.

The first reason is that I don’t do things the way their current “programmer” does. He is all about the IDE (Integrated Developement Environment) when he’s programming. He knows how to use the debugger, etc. I didn’t bother to learn how to use the Java debugger since I figured I would be changing IDEs anyway. I hated the one we were using. So, instead I used good old Xemacs to do my editing and the recommended IDE to compile. And I used print statements to find my bugs.

He didn’t like that.

However, I watched him working at it one day to find a bug that should’ve been fixed months before. He used the debugger and set up all sorts of data outputs. He finally found the error. I think I could’ve done it faster with print statements.

You know what? I know I could’ve done it faster with print statements. And I can because programming is in my blood. If I wrote the code, I know where the likely failure point will be. I can narrow this shit down in nothing flat. I learned to do it this way in the school of hard knocks, writing Fortran 77 code on the VAX/VMS. No one working the labs knew Fortran, so we were all on our own.

I wrote an entire library for a government lab, over 12000 lines of commented code in C-plus-plus, just using Xemacs and a public domain compiler (g-plus-plus) and I maybe used ddd, the dynamic display debugger, once or twice. And that library is good to go. I doubt it’s being used, but those are the breaks.

The second reason I don’t work for them any more is a bit more serious. I made the mistake of arguing with them about global warming. I’m not a liberal, and they are liberals. After my mistake, everything seemed fine, but I’ll bet it was a factor when it came time to fight for me or let me go. Let me point out that the CEO once put the following (paraphrased) in an IM comment which could be read by all employees as well as possible customers: “Not all conservatives are stupid, but all stupid people are conservative.”

I’m not kidding.

So. Maybe I’m paranoid. Or maybe I’m jobless partially because my politics don’t line up with theirs. I’ll probably never know the truth.

Note: I don’t know why I have to say “plus-plus” rather than doing it the appropriate way using plus signes, but wordpress won’t let it through.

Update:Comments turned off due to spammers, but no one will ever know it.

I haven’t given up writing here yet. I just haven’t had a lot of motivation lately. Sometimes you have the fire, and sometimes you don’t.

I’m still out ofwork. However, I have what I think is a fairly good prospect for a four-month job. My advisor (is it former advisor? how does that work?) has wrangled a bit of start-up money for a project related to my thesis work which could pan out into something larger. Right now, I’m basically the only person who would be able to do the project in the timeframe. The only issue is that the person providing the money has to sign a contract with the University and they are arguing about patent rights. In my opinion, since the money is ultimately coming from the government, any output should be in the public domain (except for any potentially classified information, of course). So any resulting software should be free to everyone.

This is fairly reasonable, since up until now, all the software written for the project is in the public domain. Most of what I would be doing is a proof of concept, organizing stuff I’ve already written and perhaps writing some new stuff.

The pay won’t be great, but it’ll be better than nothing. Plus, if the project is successful and they want more of it, I’d be looking at potentially a multi-year project.

I’ll do it only if it will build my resume. If we cannot agree on conditions that will do that, I won’t bother. For instance, I will not write a majority of the software in a weird language like python which no one in industry actually uses. It had better be Java running on windows. Yeah, I’m against both of those things from a geek standpoint, but practicality sez that you do what will potnentially make you money.

Anyway, I hope to know about this job thing soon. In the meantime, I will write some stuff about what I’ve been doing since I stopped working in mid-July. See ya soon.